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adding quietly, "until today." The outrage had turned
into acceptance without her noticing.
Ellen lay still. "I'm not making any moves that might not
be appreciated. Let's talk about this."
"I never thought those calcium deposits would be
anything but benign. Cancer doesn't run in my family.
After the surgical procedure, I even forgot to call for the
results."
It had been Mary who insisted she phone the
oncologist. "I've got to know for peace of mind," Mary
said, picking up the receiver and thrusting it at her.
When the surgeon told her the pathologist had found
cancer cells in the calcium deposits and that he was
recommending a mastectomy, she'd been stunned.
She was quiet long enough for Ellen to glance at her and
murmur, "Go on."
The surgery had been scheduled in two weeks.
"I wanted rid of it. As it turned out I could have kept
the breast, because it hadn't spread past those tiny
deposits. But I don't have to take tamoxifen, nor do I
have to undergo radiation or chemo. It's gone, although
I guess it could recur. It's unlikely, though."
The open windows were black against the one light on
the bedside table. Ellen asked, "How did you feel?"
"Angry, betrayed, humiliated, embarrassed."
"I can understand feeling angry and betrayed, but not
the other two."
"My body let me down. I never said it made sense. I
didn't want to talk about it."
"Not even to me." Ellen's dark eyes were accusing.
"That would have pinned you in a corner. I let you go
instead."
Ellen propped herself on an elbow, facing Josey with
her anger. "I suppose you thought you were being
noble. Actually, it was rather cruel. No explanation,
other than your niece was coming. I had no idea what
had happened."
"Hey, give me a little slack here. I wouldn't have
believed you if you'd said it made no difference."
"And you believe me now?"
"It's different now. I'm going to have reconstruction
soon. I can hide behind these gigantic T-shirts till then. I
still don't want to share this with anyone else. You
know, Mary knows, my sister knows, my doctors
know. Let's keep it that way."
"So, do you want to make love or not?" Ellen asked.
Josey leaned forward and lightly kissed Ellen's mouth.
"Let's go slow." This was a crossroads of sorts. She
snuggled into Ellen's softness.
"I missed this," Ellen murmured, moving nearer, kissing
Josey's face and neck. "You taste wonderful."
"Like leftover wine."
"Fresh, like the outdoors."
"You smell like a muffin. Did you eat at the coffee
shop?"
"Yes. Shelley was upset, but we'll talk of that later."
Josey stiffened as Ellen's hand moved under her T-shirt.
"I'm not taking my shirt off. Don't go feeling around in
there."
"I won't. I'm terrified to look at you for fear you'll be
enraged."
Josey whispered as she began a caress, "You are so
womanly."
"Another adjective for fat."
"If it's fat, it's the good kind. What's that called?
Unsaturated?" She smiled, her lips against Ellen's.
Ellen laughed, a warm explosion in Josey's mouth. "And
you have muscles that run the length of your body. How
do you stay that way?"
It was Ellen's desire that stirred Josey to passion, that
and the months of doing without. She had almost
forgotten the pleasure that came with touch. She
dripped a few tears on Ellen's breasts, nearly throwing
cold water on everything.
Ellen tried to pull Josey's head up. "I'm sorry."
"Why? For having two breasts? Don't take them away."
Although she wouldn't allow Ellen to nuzzle hers, she
buried her face between Ellen's and breathed deeply.
Ellen ran fingers through her hair and murmured
comfort. "It's okay, sweetheart. You have a right to
cry."
Josey lifted her head and sniffed. "I'm slobbering all
over you."
"I love it. Slobber all you want."
Afterwards Ellen said, "Come on up here and rest a
while. I thought we were supposed to go slow."
"Maybe next time," Josey said, suddenly sleepy again.
Her eyes closed even as she fought to stay awake.
When she awakened, Ellen lay breathing softly, pinned
under one of Josey's arms and legs. She carefully
removed herself, unsticking the skin that seemed loath
to let go, and Ellen rolled on her side. Snuggling from
behind, Josey threw an arm around Ellen and cupped a
breast. Sighing with pleasure, she again drifted into
sleep.
She awoke to see the shadow of the oak on the wall
and ceiling, its leaves shimmering in the warm wind.
Except for a cardinal singing, there was no sound.
Ellen opened her eyes and reached for her.
The dog put his paws on the bed. "Buddy has to go
out."
XVI
Annie
John dropped her off around one in the morning. Ellen's
car was parked next to Josey's. "Looks like you have
company."
"I'm sorry I wasn't better company myself."
"Hey, it was a great evening." He had been stoned early
on, but a swim and a walk had made him sober enough
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