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a mistake. When you have admitted this enough times, maybe you ll lose confidence in yourself and begin
to listen to their guidance.
9. Double Bind
Attorney to a man on the witness stand: Have you stopped beating your wife yet? Answer yes or no.
This is the damned if you do, damned if you don t trap. An example in a marital situation might go
something like this: Your husband complains that you re never willing to go golfing with him like you
used to do before you were married. Then next Saturday, you suggest to him that you go golfing
together. He replies, Oh, you re just saying that because I complained.
Some people consciously realize that they are manipulating, but all to often, the habit is so ingrained that
they do not realize what they are doing. They have been conditioned since childhood, and it is now auto-
matic. Yet no one has the right to take advantage of or manipulate another human being, and no one is
going to put a stop to it but you. You are responsible for positive change in your life. And once you change
one behavior, you change a whole series of related behaviors. It can be the beginning of a whole
new lifestyle.
Dick Sutphen 31
VIII. Wu-Wei/Assertiveness
Verbal Techniques
The seven Wu-Wei/Assertiveness Verbal Techniques are described in detail in Session 6, but condensed
reminders are provided here:
1. Repeat Technique: A persistent, unchanging verbal approach to the problem. You basically ignore the
manipulative traps of the person you are asserting to and repeat what you want in a calm voice.
2. I First Statements: To effectively use Wu-Wei/Assertiveness, you must know, What do I want?
and How do I clearly communicate it? The key word is I. By using straightforward I statements,
you become explicit and clear. There will be no misunderstanding of your desires.
3. Clouding: With this technique for coping with manipulative criticism, you cloud the issue without
denying anything or becoming defensive or attacking with manipulative criticism of your own. You sim-
ply respond calmly, acknowledging that there may be some truth in what has been said, yet you always
remain the judge of what you are going to do.
4. Negative Declaration: This verbal technique is used to admit to a mistake or a fault without
apologizing for it. You simply agree with your attacker s criticism. The result will be to reduce their hos-
tility, and you won t have to go through the denial. This will help you to rise above the idea that because
you make a mistake or have a fault, you should feel guilty.
5. Negative Question: A valuable technique to stop manipulation by attempting to attain more criticism.
You can use this information if it is of value or to force the attacker to get everything off his chest, and
thus exhaust his manipulative ploys. You question calmly and without emotion.
6. Compromise: In dealing with people, especially those close to you, a compromise is often going to be
the best answer. But if a decision or compromise results in your loss of self-respect, it is unacceptable.
7. Sidetracking: This technique is closer to manipulation than to an assertiveness skill, but it can be used
in touchy or diplomatic situations where you wish to quietly avoid answering a question, while appear-
ing that you have.
32 Self-Mastery
IX. Positive Personal
Assertion
To verbally express a positive or loving feeling for another individual is a highly assertive act. Many peo-
ple have as much trouble with this aspect of human communication as others do in standing up for their
own rights.
Any marriage counselor will tell you that the primary problem they see in dealing with troubled couples
is lack of communication. One partner doesn t know how the other really feels because there has been no
direct communication on the subject. Both assume they know and have thus established distorted con-
cepts based upon their own experiences and emotional makeup, which is not necessarily accurate.
Everyone needs positive feedback from others and especially those closest to us. Sadly enough, it is
our intimate relationships that are often most ignored:
Of course she knows I love her. I married her, didn t I?
But have you told her?
No, that s corny. She knows how I feel.
Wrong! Don t count on the fact that the other person knows anything that you haven t directly commu-
nicated. It could be that the wife in this situation doesn t show her emotional needs but would give any-
thing to hear those three little words from her man. The fact that she doesn t ever hear them could result
in doubting thoughts about the relationship, which creates negative subconscious programming.
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