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the next time I'm having a terrible week. Have you ever done
that? You feel really bad, and then it goes away, and you don't
know why. I try to remind myself when I feel great like this
that there will be another terrible week coming someday, so I
should store up as many great details as I can, so during the
next terrible week, I can remember those details and believe
that I'll feel great again. It doesn't work a lot, but I think it's
very important to try.
My psychiatrist is a very nice man. He's much better than
my last psychiatrist. We talk about things that I feel and think
and remember. Like when I was little, and there was this one
time that I walked down the street in my neighborhood. I was
completely naked, holding a bright blue umbrella, even though
it wasn't raining. And I was so happy because it made my
mom smile. And she rarely smiled. So, she took a picture.
And the neighbors complained.
This other time, I saw a commercial for this movie about a
man who was accused of murder, but he didn't commit the
murder. A guy from More"inA"inSo"inHave was the star of
the movie. That's probably why I remember it. The
commercial said that the whole movie was about him trying to
prove that he was innocent and how he could go to jail anyway.
That scared me a lot. It scared me how much it scared me.
Being punished for something you did not do. Or being an
innocent victim. It's just something that I never want to
experience.
I don't know if it is important to tell you all this, but at the
time, it felt like a "breakthrough."
The best thing about my psychiatrist is that he has music
magazines in his waiting room. I read an article about Nirvana
on one visit, and it didn't have any references to honey mustard
dressing or lettuce. They kept talking about the singer's
stomach problems all the time, though. It was weird.
Like I told you, Sam and Patrick love their big song, so I
thought I'd read it to have something to discuss with them. In
the end, the magazine compared him with John Lennon from
the Beatles. I told that to Sam later, and she got really mad.
She said he was like Jim Morrison if he was like anybody, but
really, he isn't like anybody but himself. We were all at the Big
Boy after Rocky Horror, and it started this big discussion.
Craig said the problem with things is that everyone is
always comparing everyone with everyone and because of that,
it discredits people, like in his photography classes.
Bob said that it was all about our parents not wanting to let
go of their youth and how it kills them when they can't relate to
something.
Patrick said that the problem was that since everything has
happened already, it makes it hard to break new ground.
Nobody can be as big as the Beatles because the Beatles already
gave it a "context." The reason they were so big is that they had
no one to compare themselves with, so the sky was the limit.
Sam added that nowadays a band or someone would
compare themselves to the Beatles after the second album, and
their own personal voice would be less from that moment on.
"What do you think, Charlie?"
I couldn't remember where I heard it or read it. I said
maybe it was in This Side of Paradise by From. Scott
Fitzgerald. There's a place near the end of the book where the
main kid is picked up by some older gentleman. They are both
going to an Ivy League homecoming football game, and they
have this debate. The older gentleman is established. The kid
is "jaded."
Anyway, they have this discussion, and the kid is an
idealist in a temporary way. He talks about his "restless
generation" and things like that. And he says something like,
"This is not a time for heroes because nobody will let that
happen." The book takes place in the 1920's, which I thought
was great because I supposed the same kind of conversation
could happen in the Big Boy. It probably already did with our
parents and grandparents. It was probably happening with us
right now.
So, I said I thought the magazine was trying to make him a
hero, but then later somebody might dig up something to make
him seem like less than a person. And I didn't know why
because to me he is just a guy who writes songs that a lot of
people like, and I thought that was enough for everyone
involved. Maybe I'm wrong, but everyone at the table starting
talking about it.
Sam blamed television. Patrick blamed government.
Craig blamed the "corporate media." Bob was in the bathroom.
I don't know what it was, and I know we didn't really
accomplish anything, but it felt great to sit there and talk about
our place in things. It was like when Bill told me to
"participate." I went to the homecoming dance like I told you
before, but this was much more fun. It was especially fun to
think that people all over the world were having similar
conversations in their equivalent of the Big Boy.
I would have told the table that, but they were really
having fun being cynical, and I didn't want to ruin it. So, I just
sat back a little bit and watched Sam sitting next to Craig and
tried not to be too sad about it. I have to say that I couldn't do
it very successfully. But at one point, Craig was talking about
something, and Sam turned to me and smiled. It was a movie
smile in slow motion, and then everything was okay.
I told this to my psychiatrist, but he said it was too soon to
draw any conclusions.
I don't know. I just had a great day. I hope you did, too.
Love always,
Charlie
February 2, 1992 Dear friend,
On the Road was a very good book. Bill didn't ask me to
write a paper about it because, like I said, it was "a reward." He
did ask me to visit him in his office after school to discuss it,
which I did. He made tea, and I felt like a grown-up. He even
let me smoke a cigarette in his office, but he urged me to quit
smoking because of the health risks. He even had a pamphlet
in his desk that he gave me. I now use it as a bookmark.
I thought Bill and I were going to talk about the book, but
we ended up talking about "things." It was great to have so
many discussions back-to-back. Bill asked me about Sam and
Patrick and my parents, and I told him about getting my license
and talking in the Big Boy. I also told him about my
psychiatrist. I didn't tell him about the party or my sister and
her boyfriend, though. They're still seeing each other in secret,
which my sister says only "adds to their passion."
After I got through telling Bill about my life, I asked him
about his. It was nice, too, because he didn't try to be cool and
relate to me or anything. He was just himself about it. He
said that he studied undergraduate work at some college in the
West that doesn't give grades, which I thought was peculiar, but
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